Eco Warrior

I recently invested in an Organicup. This is a miraculous device you use instead of sanitary towels or tampons. If you’re already cringing, now is the time to retreat from this.
An efficient A to B transfer of that annoying monthly flow. No waste, less mess, cheaper for your purse. Eco-friendly too! Cardboard packaging so you feel even more virtuous. What could go wrong?
Even a discreet little cloth pouch to keep it in. The cup itself looks a little like a flower with a stem. Very cute. In my head, I am now a strong, feminine eco-warrior. Hear me roar.
I do a practice run as the packaging suggests. Simple instructions. Basically, insert as far as it will go and makes sure it opens out so there’s no leakage. Apparently if the stem bit is sticking out (bare with) you can snip it. I presume it means not when it’s in situ, but no bother, I apparently do not have a low lying cervix…I’m a bit disturbed for a minute as I ponder whether it can get lost, but assure myself I’m being daft and get on with my evening.
A few hours later I decide to retrieve it. Only to find it’s definitely not where I left it. In fact, it appears to have gone off exploring on its own. A little jaunt around my uterus perhaps, my knowledge of my anatomy is terrifyingly scarce. After a little panicking and a bit more rummaging I manage to locate the stem. Only to realise the cup has very definitely opened out and created a lovely amount of suction. The thin eco-plastic stem is being most unhelpful at this juncture, it doesn’t respond well to a pincer grip and to paraphrase my mother, ‘I can’t get any purchase on the fucker.’ Ok, so she probably wouldn’t use that exact phrase but I’m more than slightly panicking now and envisaging an incredibly embarrassing trip to A+E. Something involving junior doctors, suppressed laughter and instruments which are salad tongs by any other name.
After a few more futile attempts, by which time I’m half crying and muttering curses and prayers to whatever demon dreamed this up, I suddenly remember removal instructions on the packaging and manage an undignified crab walk across the bathroom to retrieve them. There was definitely something about releasing the suction. Without being too graphic, I soon realise that this process is a lot harder than the cute diagrams make it look and that the foof’s reaction to stress is to quite literally clam up. I’m sweating, knackered and quite frankly could not give less of a toss about the environment. I end up with one foot planted on the toilet seat, half dislocate my shoulder to get a good angle and manage to get a tenuous hold on the thing.
Dragging bio-degradable plastic out of myself is not a fun Tuesday night. Who knew.

2 thoughts on “Eco Warrior

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  1. Man did I have a similar experience when I tried mine for the first time… I was in the bathroom choking back tears with tweezers in one hand (it truly seemed like my only option) and in the other hand I had my cell phone preparing to call one of my roommates or even my boyfriend to come get the thing out of me. I eventually wiggled around enough to figure it out but it was a tense couple of minutes there. I’m not sure my relationship would have lasted after that…

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